Numb

Bertemu teman lama timur angin di acara wisuda, ketemu bapaknya seno gumira adjidarma dan akhirnya berani ngomong kalau gue ngefans banget. Ini orang yang memberikan inspirasi terbesar gue untuk jadi penulis. Seperti angin segar keinginan jadi penulis bangkit lagi.

Tapi surut lagi..
Bangkit lagi..
Surut lagi...

beberapa orang sudah merilis novel atau kumpulan cerpen.
gue gak bermaksud mengejek, tapi memang bacaan atau apapun yang berhubungan dengan kegemaran, sangatlah relatif nilainya..so belum ada yang menarik hati gue..kecuali tulisan seno gumira adjidarma, pramoedya..

bagi gue menulis novel masalah "siapa yang rajin saja"
dan nulis blog juga masalah "siapa yang rajin saja"

ide gak ada yang orisinil...gue yakin itu..
Gue cuma enek banget ...enek banget....

~kruger~

Ich Vermisse dich

it's been two weeks since half of my soul went out of town..And it's been tremendously lonely days...

Ich vermisse dich, meinen schatz
~kruger~

Without any further due

Aduh, kok semua mata melihat saya dan teman saya. Kenapa sih?

Kali ini lobbynya ramai sekali. Wah baru saya ingat kalau hari ini adalah hari selasa di mana proses casting dilaksanakan dan proses pembayaran para pemain dilakukan. Dan mungkin saja saya mereka mengira saya dan teman sama - sama melakukan hal yang sama. Kalau tidak casting, ya berarti mengambil honor. heheheh...

Satu persatu saya amati mereka. Ada beberapa yang saya kenal wajahnya. Mungkin karena mereka adalah beberapa figuran yang saya lihat di berbagai sinetron televisi. Mereka saling bercengkrama satu sama lainnya. Saya yang dari tadi berdiri hanya bisa saling berdiam diri dengan teman saya. Kita malah asyik melihat dan menelaah satu persatu karakter orang yang berada di ruangan.

Well, kesimpulannya: Cari duit susah ya....

Setelah menunggu kurang lebih 1 jam, Karan (our Line Producer on the tv program)mengajak saya dan partner kerja untuk masuk ke ruangan dingin.

Dengan suara yang agak melengking, Lelaki muda ini berapi - api berbicara. Dari matanya terpancar kejeniusan khas ras yang hampir menghuni setiap celah di belahan bumi. Ia orang yang sangat penting di perusahaan ini. Saking pentingnya, sampai - sampai tidak sampai semenit dia berbicara, pasti telponnya - entah mobile phonenya yang ada 3, atau telpon kantornya yang ada 2- berdering - dering seperti menarikan tarian pemujaan.

Setiap lontaran kata - katanya, menafsirkan sejumlah ide yang berkutat di otaknya. Pintar, berapi - api dan...."OK, kapan bisa saya terima konsepnya?" Analisa saya terbuyarkan oleh pertanyaannya. Saya dan partner kerja saling berpandang - pandangan. "OK, dua hari dari sekarang" bagaimana? tanya saya kemudian.

Ia mengangguk. "OK, every thing's clear?" I have to leave...
"Point taken!" jawab saya...

Saya dan partner kerja langsung meninggalkan tempat.

Hmmmm...Hari ini tambah pengalaman lagi.
ketemu bosnya perusahaan ini untuk kesekian kalinya. Lebih mengenal karakter orang...

Selepas meeting, Saya dan teman menuju Mall Taman Anggrek. Tadinya setelah ke atm, saya mau balik pulang. Tapi diajak ngobrol dulu sama teman. Dan bertemulah saya dengan teman lama. Artul!!!! Dia sempat kaget dengan perawakan saya yang jauh beda dengan yang dulu. Betapa saya juga terlihat agak diam dan tidak se"happening" dulu...hehehheh maybe i am getting older...

Ngobrol ngalor ngidul, saya dan Artul jalan - jalan mengitari Mall Taman Anggrek, berhenti di Texas FC untuk makan, jalan - jalan lagi dan berhenti di internet station di sebelah gramedia. Beberapa kali langkah saya dan Artul terhenti oleh sapaan pengunjung atau karyawan Mal ini. Saya hanya ikut - ikut tersenyum saja. Maklum, jalan sama artis memang beda. Walaupun saya bukan artis atau selebritis, kayaknya kalau jalan sama artis atau selebritis rasanya saya juga dianggap artis juga. Dan karena itu harus ramah juga...Hahahahhahahahah.....

Tapi berulang kali Artul bilang kalau dia gak pernah ngerasa jadi artis. Dia masih bebas ke mana aja tanpa takut diserbu para fansnya...

Well, tiba - tiba saya menghayal. Gimana ya rasanya jadi artis? Wah bakal jadi terkenal, uangnya banyak, trus ......tiba - tiba khayalan saya terhenti. Gak ah saya gak mau jadi artis! Nanti urusan pribadi saya dikorek - korek lagi, nanti gak ada apa - apa digosipin lagi! Mau santai - santai diserbu orang untuk minta tanda tangan atau berfoto.

"Eh bo, abis ini ye mau ke mana?" Suara Artul menyiram khayalan saya.
"Pulang deh gue, lagi males ke mana - mana. Elu?"
"Gue mau makan malem sama temen gue"
"Ya udah gue balik yah. thanks for everything. kapan - kapan kita ketemu lagi yah"

Kami berpisah.
Di perjalanan pulang, pikiran saya berputar - putar, mengulang setiap kejadian yang baru saja terlewati.

Saya sampai di rumah.
Back to reality...

~kruger~

My anniversary

Last thurs, June 16, i celebrated my 28th birthday. No party threw, just like my other ordinary day. It's just that i am a year older then before. I received many greetings from close friends, long distance friends, almost literally erased friends (doh!)...

My spouse went out of town. So, it was only me and my dearest son. Well, instead of celebrating with family, i bumped myself into the heaps of works at editing room, wrote scripts for the show, finalized the whole creative until 5 am in the next day.

Due to my sleepy head, i often gave the wrong command to the taxi driver. When finally reached home, suddenly i remembered that i have to go to bank to settle the clearing account. But i then realized, that the account should be filed before noon or to be exact before 11 AM. Oh My GOD, so it meant that i have to sleep now, which is at 6 AM in the morning and have to awake before 11 AM or around 10 AM.

That was friday, that if i want the account to be cleared ASAP, so i have to go to the bank as soon as possible as well.Oh my oh my...

I laid my head, and started to fall a sleep. Without any alarm, i was waken by the noise of my son, jumped up on a bed. Thank God! When I was fully conscious, i compeled myself to go the bank. Thank God, the process didn't take much times.

I returned home and continue sleeping...

Well, my birthday, my works, my family...
Another cyrcle of life...
I am a year older now...have been through several or maybe many ordeal, which i should sincerely accept...

~kruger~

Last Thursday '09 june

After passed my frequent mood swings, i decided to come out of shell and see what the world offered me. I stepped out and headed to the top Production House in Indonesia.

We discussed about the upcoming reality show (don't argue phulezze:)). I went alone without my partner. He has to leave the town and went to klaten to ses his nephew. So there i met Karan and Manoj. Eventually we could discuss clearly about all things in regards the creative content of the tv show.

After two hours, i left that office and headed to Hard Rock Cafe where Astrid invited me. Actually i didn't really aware what the party it was. I just came along without further due.

There, i met many old friends, heaps changes in their style and life. I never sat alone, there were so many friends who gladly accompanied me while astrid round about the show.

At 9 PM I finally realized, it was a launching party for O Channel (Jakarta's Own Channel. They threw a party for the second soft lauching of its channel. They named the party " Swing out Jakarta" with Indra Lesmana as the main performer, followed by Lucky Indonesian Idol. Indra was such a talented jazzer. He played many great numbers of repertoire, such as soundtracks of Rumah Ketujuh, beatles songs, and many more.

But one thing i regretly to say, that the show was less than "happening". Generally it was a jazz/swing performance of Indra Lesmana, but the premises was less accomodating. Many people weren't appreciated the show as expected. I don't know what makes this show so dull. Maybe because it was conducted at hard rock cafe or maybe the audiences. But anyway, I think it's so indonesian (hmm maybe including me)..who is hard to show the appreciation to the performance. Well...what can I say to that?

At this party, also announced the latest news about the leading vocalist of GIGI - Armand Maulana. He will embark on one of the reality show, which conducted the hunt of INXS new vocalist.

In the middle of the show i met imel and jack. They seemed on the stage of happiness. Sort of a newlycouple.

At 11 I headed home. rest after. exhausted to the bone. I don't know what caused this, cause i didn't go nor walk for such a long time. Maybe it was my overload mind...

Well, for a person who rarely come out of the shell, I found it was so much fun being not literally jobless female....

Being freelance conceptor
Being freelance writer

But a full time mum...
Wow...that's my dream job since i was too busy to take care of even myself back then...

Crossed fingers to all my purposes...

zzzzzz....zzzzzz.....zzzzzz....continue sleeping...zzzzzzzzzz
~kruger~

Bus Way...Uhmmm Trans Jakarta

Last thurs,finally i got the chance to hop in to the trans jakarta. I swirled the half of the trans jakarta's route by myself. I have only paid 2,500 IDR from Sarinah to Kota.

I stopped at the halt of stasiun kota, then i took a bajaj to Mangga dua, where I met erin and ratih.

We planned to scour the Mangga dua place. Heaps of joy we're through...I love being not literally jobless female...hhehehhehehehehe....


~kruger~

Membunuh diri sendiri, bukan bunuh diri

WUSSS,
hunuskan pedang itu ke dalam tubuhmu.
Koyak seisi roh dan tubuhmu dengan tangganmu sendiri
Rasakan setiap keperihan dan sakit
Sebelum semua itu hilang beserta dirimu...

Tidak ada yang akan dipersalahkan.
Tidak ada yang akan dibenarkan.
Yang jelas kau akan lebih cepat bertemu dengan Majikanmu...

Tak usah meminta belas kasihan.
Nyata dan mimpi tidak pernah ada
Semua itu tipuan yang membentuk sebuah ironi, katanya!

Lambaikan tangan pada khayalan
yang sebentar lagi menjemputmu
ada kenyataan
bahwa kau sudah tidak ada lagi di sini
Katanya kau menjemput Majikanmu!!

Kau selalu lebih cepat,
lebih cepat bertemu dengan Sang Majikan.

Mau apa kau bertemu majikanmu?
Meminta jawaban?
Mustahil aku tau.

~kruger~

Question of faith

Below are the excerption of messages to me from a hypocrite following by my comment.

1. "It's nothing personal, cuman elu kan tau gue, paling gak suka sama yang berbau mainstream, I got nothing against it, i just don't dig it. I only said this cause i am your friend who look up on your way of thinking. To me personaly "You and Your Talent are belongs to the underground world of art"

Me:I didn't pick it personally, and you're not my friend. You don't know anything about me. And i don't belong to underground world or upperground. I choose where ever i want to go, and not listen or obey what you say instead...
about my previous job and what i have done

2."Lu belum pernah cerita ke gue. Eh setau gue sih nggak pernah. Gue hanya tau lu pernah jadi penyiar"

ME:See, you don't know anything about me, none! so, never consider yourself as my friend. And you have no right to question me! jelas - jelas gue dah pernah bilang, oh my oh my...*rolling eyes*


About Showbiz and entertainment biz
3.Ngerti banget, banget banget

Me:I doubt it!

4.Kenapa elu gak masukin cable ke rumah elu biar bisa elu liat apa yang disajikan oleh channel2 yang lain yang membuat saya menghindar dari TV

Me:Jangan salahkan TV. Semua itu balik lagi ke kita! Gue punya cable atau enggak di rumah gue, gak urusan elu deh kayaknya

5.GUE BUKAN MENGRITIK LU, GUE CUMAN FRUSTRASI AJA DENGAN KESALAHGUNAAN SARANA TELEVISI DI DUNIA MODERN INI. ATAU MUNGKIN GUENYA AJA YANG DUNGU.

Me:YANG BENER AJA????? JELAS2 ELU KRITIK GUE!!! BAGUS DEH KALAU ELU BERPIKIR KALAU ELU DUNGU. Lagian elu ngerti gak sih arti kata dungu, kalau gak ngerti gak usah dipakai tuh kata - kata

6.dungu bukan berarti nggak tau apa - apa, dungu bisa berarti humble, just keep it low profile, stay away from the limelight, being a true artist. That's ME

Me:Liat deh, ini orang kok aneh banget yah, dia yang ngomong dia juga yang bantah. Dan sekarang ini orang coba mengganti arti kata dalam bahasa indo. Hmmm...dia pikir dia siapa???

7.BTW elu gak bisa liat tingkah gue. gue kan di ***********, sedangkan elu di ********** berbuat sesuatu yang NOTHING's NEW

ME: Wow! Kok nih orang ngerasa hebat banget yah? Dia pikir dia juga berbuat sesuatu yang baru? Tidak??!!!!!! Betapa munafiknya orang ini!!!! memandang gue seperti itu. Menghina kreatifitas gue, menghina idealisme gue. Sedangkan selama ini mau dia jungkir balik atau ngapain, gue tidak pernah menghina dia sedikitpun. Sepertinya dia lupa ada perjanjian tidak tertulis sesama seniman, yaitu tidak menghina satu sama lainnya. Dan tentang hinaan dia terhadap pekerjaan yang gue kerjakan sekarang ini, yang dibilang Nothing's new, gue jadi bertanya, apa sih yang pernah dibuat dia yang berbau nothing's new????? COME ON, sombong banget nih orang!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


conclusion:
I regret to know this hypocrite. I wished i could turn back time and erase this person from my life. Well..he's erased now..ZAPPED... he's gone..
Bye...hypocrite.....

~kruger~

Hari ini adalah hari yang menentukan apakah saya akan kembali lagi ke dunia "kantoran" atau bergumul dengan kreatifitas tanpa batas di dunia bebas lepas atau menjadi bos dari diri sendiri.

Nanti sore atau malam, saya akan bertemu dengan salah seorang penting dalam dunia showbiz. Mungkin kalau menurut seseorang yang saya lakukan tak lebih dari sesuatu yang mainstream- atau sesuatu yang berhubungan dengan kebanyakan-. Berbicara tentang mainstream atau kebanyakan, saya jadi bertanya; apa sih yang bukan kebanyakan? apakah bermain musik dan terus berada dalam "dunia bawah tanah" itu idealis? Ah gak juga!!! Itu juga mainstream!!! Karena sudah kebanyakan. Banyak orang yang punya banyak keinginan, tapi tidak bisa diterima di kebanyakan orang.So, Nothing's new kan?Hmmm, saya cuma tidak habis pikir saja dengan gejala "hilangnya eksistensi" yang ditunjukan oleh orang - orang yang berpikiran picik seperti itu.

Anyway, kembali ke pokok pembicaraan, saya berharap malam ini ada kejelasan tentang keputusan saya untuk karir.


Wish me luck, fingers crossed...

Updated latter:
Saya dikabari bahwa meetingnya mungkin di reschedule, arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...marah&*#^%&#^!)*#^&^!!!!!
~kruger~

Picture this:

There’s a person who consider himself as my close friend. Couple days a go he asked me what’s my recent activity. I am telling him that I am contributing and developing creative on one of tv program. I also told him that it’s a reality show, which I have lots experiences in doing it.

You know what he said right after?
He said that it’s so mainstream not idealism instead. He said that he knew it just before I told him what tv program I am going to take a part.

Well, I didn’t agree with a “so called reality show back then. To me, the perception about reality show has out of my comprehension. Somehow, many reality shows are only collecting a bunch of normal people, humiliate them for our amusement. But, then I reckon, that this is the showbiz and entertainment world, where I am in. I have my own goals, that is to make a movie. But How would i know about the world i am going to live, if i don't live there? does it make sense to him? I doubt it!...To me, If I don’t agree with that, I must do something, right? Not just sit and criticizing or complaining instead?

To his opinion about mainstream, I certainly laughed at it. How can he say that I am in mainstream world and that I did nothing but to follow other? While now he’s doing music, which that’s what other did too for such a long time. He also had a delusion to be a part of music industry, which I consider as pop world or equals to mainstream world.

What beyond my comprehension was his motive. He knew exactly that I have been in Radio and TV industry for quite long, that if he wanted to criticize me, he should did that back then. When I said so, he replied with the defensive reaction, that I never told him that I did this stuff for such a long time. DOH!

With his cocky mind, I could only look at the sky and say mutely; what a hypocrite he is. He, His bunch of critics and his boastful are so nauseated.
I recalled his wish back then that he desired to spread his work of art in certain country and he fancy to exhibit his art to the people in there. Well, may I say that this guy is a mainstream as well? And that he didn’t realize, that he is now swimming in the sea of a mainstream world, where nothing’s genuine, and there would always be lots of probabilities?

Hmm, he surely doesn’t know me. And I certainly shouldn’t consider him as my friend any longer for he didn’t know much about me but he judged me instead! You know I was so hurt when he questions my faith in channeling my creativity. He acted like he was my GOD or someone important in my life. He certainly wasn’t. He’s just a weigh to every path he crossed. Pity him…

~kruger~